Can an Abuser Change?

Susie

Are you wondering if an abuser can truly change? It's a common question for those who have experienced abuse in their personal relationships. If you're someone who has been caught in the vicious cycle of emotional, physical, or narcissistic abuse, you know just how difficult it can be to break free. Even more challenging is trying to determine whether your abuser has truly changed.

In this article, we'll be exploring this topic further, discussing the complexities of change and its lasting effects when it comes to abusive relationships. And if you're looking for guidance and support on this journey, My Coach Susie is here to help. As a specialist in emotional wellness and relationship dynamics, I have helped countless individuals find their way to a brighter, happier future.

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📢 “But I have changed!”

If you are in or have been in an abusive relationship (physical and/or emotional and narcissistic) I am sure you have heard this statement from your abuser before. Typically, this follows a big blowup or argument and they are in the remorseful stage of the abuse cycle. It is confusing. And it may keep you hanging on to the relationship for weeks, months, or even years. Leaving you wondering, "Have they changed?" "Can they change?" "Will this change last?".

My short and honest answer to all of the above is this...

It is very unlikely.

It is very unlikely because it requires a TON of work on their part. And it won't be quick. And there WILL be setbacks. In order for change to truly take place, the abuser needs to do the following (this is by no means an exhaustive list):

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⛔ Truly commit to changing, and doing it for their own sake, not to appease their partner or children.

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⛔ Stop holding things like money or child custody over your head when the topic of separation arises.

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⛔ Voluntarily seek help from someone besides their partner. Attempting to change sheerly out of their own will not be sufficient. They need to seek professional help from a therapist, counselor, or psychologist.

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⛔ Take full responsibility for their behavior and stop minimizing, gaslighting, and blame shifting.

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⛔ Respect their partner's independence and boundaries. This could mean accepting their partner’s desire to go no contact for a period of time.

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⛔ Accept uncertainty about the relationship ending.

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⛔ Shift their perspective on love being an excuse for jealous or controlling behavior.

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⛔ Join a batterer intervention program.

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⛔ Potentially seek treatment for other challenges like substance abuse, mental health, past trauma, etc. Often an abuser’s negative behaviors are magnified when they are under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Untreated mental health issues and trauma can also significantly contribute to abusive behaviors.

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⛔ Gain a clear understanding and acceptance of the damage their abuse has caused. This requires developing empathy, which most abusers lack.

The decision to stay in or leave an abusive relationship is a deeply personal one, and no one can make it for you. However, it is important to remember that "I have changed!" are mere words, and actions speak louder than words. Look at the consistent actions of your partner to determine whether a genuine change has occurred. And if you are struggling to navigate these complex emotions and dynamics, you don't have to go through it alone. At My Coach Susie, I offer guidance, support, and a safe space to discuss your concerns. Together, we can work towards a brighter, healthier future free from abuse. So don't wait, reach out to me at My Coach Susie today.

Contact My Coach Susie