10 Reasons To Go No Contact With Narcissists - Learn More

10 Rules For Going No Contact With a Narcissist

If you are struggling to recover from narcissistic abuse, it’s time to take a step toward healing with the help of a certified life coach. As a Chicago-based life coach and trauma recovery coach, My Coach Susie is dedicated to helping individuals overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse and regain their sense of self-worth. Get in touch to get more information on narcissistic abuse life coaching, and keep reading to get tips on going no contact with a narcissist.

When you're leaving a narcissistic partner, it is critical to go no contact to avoid being manipulated back into the relationship AND to protect yourself emotionally. Here are 10 rules for going no contact (and if you share children, see #9 on how to navigate this through the Gray Rock method):

Rule 1

Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. The narcissist will pull out all the stops to hoover you back in, and you will need to stay strong and be disciplined to keep them at bay. Give yourself regular pep talks, write reminders on your bathroom mirror to remain strong, and create an empowering playlist — whatever it takes to keep yourself moving forward, one foot in front of the other.

Rule 2

Write down a list of reasons you are leaving that you can go back and refer to in challenging moments. I’m sure you have a library of examples of how you have been mistreated, so put pen to paper!

Rule 3

Get your support system in place, whether that be family, friends, a narcissistic abuse life coach and/or therapist, or a support group. Lean on someone who is aware of your situation and who will help hold you accountable for cutting all contact. Opening up to family and friends can be scary, and there can be a lot of shame around how you’ve accepted being treated, but taking this step can be a huge catalyst for going and maintaining no contact.

Rule 4

Eliminate any access you have to their image. Delete or take down old pictures of them. When you see, hear, or have positive interactions with your ex (also see #5-7 below), your brain releases ‘love’ chemicals like oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. This is what keeps you hooked, similar to someone who is trying to break a substance use addiction who partakes in the drug or alcohol once again.

Rule 5

Eliminate any access you have to their voice. Delete old videos from your phone as well as old voicemails.

Rule 6

Do not talk to them in any fashion — via text, in person, or over the phone.

Rule 7

Block them from your phone, social media, etc.

Rule 8

Do not engage with any of their friends or family members (aka Flying Monkeys). Flying Monkeys will most likely relay what you have to say back to the narcissist and may try to advocate FOR them in getting you back into the relationship. No, thank you!

Rule 9

If you share children, only communicate in writing (email preferably or a 3rd party app such as Our Family Wizard) and ONLY respond to matters relating to the kids (aka the Gray Rock Method). The Gray Rock Method is where you are deliberately unresponsive to get the abuser to lose interest in trying to contact you.

Narcissists thrive on chaos, causing disruption and seeing you emotional. By going gray rock, you are cutting them off from their supply. If you can do this consistently, they will eventually have to turn their attention elsewhere and find a new source of supply.
Do NOT respond to personal insults and accusations, you will NEVER get the last word and you will drain yourself of all your energy trying. If you do feel compelled to respond, simply say something like “That is not true” and move on.

Make sure your parenting agreement is crystal clear, and do NOT deviate from it. It may be tempting in moments where the narcissist isn’t being mean and nasty to agree to a schedule change. More often than not, this will only come back to bite you, especially if the narcissist knows the change is important to you. They can easily rip the rug out from under you and leave you in a lurch.

Rule 10

Take time to grieve and heal and begin moving forward with your life. Find new interests and things that light you up, and do more of those! Reconnect with family and friends (oftentimes, narcissistic abuse leaves us isolated due to pressure from the narcissist to cut these relationships off).

Benefits of Going No Contact:

While going no contact can be challenging, the benefits of doing so make it extremely worthwhile. Here are the benefits of going no contact:

Season of safety.

You need to feel safe physically and emotionally to begin the healing process. Narcissist abuse takes its toll, and the healing process will be a journey for you. Know that without safety, healing cannot occur.

Clarity.

Going no contact will give you the time and space to escape the constant confusion you have been living in. The further you get away from the abuse, the more apparent it will become that what you have been dealing with is not okay, and your motivation to keep no contact will only grow over time.

Nervous system regulation

When you are in an abusive relationship, you are in a constant state of emotional dysregulation from the roller coaster you have been on. Going no contact will allow you to get out of hypervigilance mode and back to being able to manage everyday life.

Completion of withdrawal.

Leaving an abusive relationship is similar to breaking an addiction. Your body has become accustomed to high highs and low lows, and this combination of fear and happiness ironically deepens the connection with your abuser because it provides intensity that can often be mistaken for love (aka trauma bond).

Be Gentle with Yourself and Celebrate Your Wins!

It takes a woman, on average, seven times to leave an abusive relationship for good. It is HARD, and it is normal to try but maybe not succeed the first several times. Don’t beat yourself up if it happens. It is hard to lose someone, even if they hurt you. And lastly, don’t forget to celebrate yourself when you have maintained no contact. Buy that bottle of wine, treat yourself to a massage, and indulge in your favorite treat. Whatever it is that makes you feel like you are giving yourself the love you deserve, do it! You’re worth it.

Don't let the scars of narcissistic abuse hold you back from living the life you deserve. With the help of a skilled trauma recovery coach like My Coach Susie, you can reclaim your power and take control of your future. Get in touch with me today!

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